Darkness, darkness my old friend...

On my way home from my ex-lover I noticed something a bit spooky. As my ex lives close to the red-light district on Lyell Ave., the same place Arthur Shawcross lurked for a very long period, I (unsurprisingly) saw a hooker doing some kind of an empty robot-dance. Mind you I have no interest in women at all and would not even think of talking to her, besides there were cops down the street which makes it more likely she was just a decoy. But even then there seemed to be something degrading and otherworldly about how she danced. A rocking motion back and forth that seemed less sexy than just creepy. Like the dolls on the artwork of Whitehouse's Halogen album. Somehow I thought about going to the Adult Book Store on Mt. Read Blvd. -- no, there aren't peep-show booths there, but unlike Peter Sotos I've had no desire to go to those places. Anyways I went there and found nothing I really wanted. Just the same old crap...

Maybe I'm just being reflective of all the transgressive music I've listened to and the transgressive literature I've read. As much as I was initially horrified by much of Whitehouse's work, I just kept coming back inspite of it. All for the better -- to think I'd continually dismiss it or protest it when it was so much more than on the surface. And the whole Sotos back catalog as well as even Samuel Delaney's Hogg however not up to par. The more I read the more there seems to be a vacant stare of a very dark enigma -- not quite an abyss, because what's there is quite human, if alien all the same... Sure, as they say, it gets to the point where nothing's shocking anymore because supposedly everything's been done. But why do I return? It doesn't become dull, it just becomes very very creepy! The ultimate nihilism where the human condition becomes the mechanisation of automatrons and routine, when there is the expectation of something more special. The idea that there is nothing behind the facade, well I don't see it as a disappointment but I'm fascinated by it all. I came out of a bizarre S&M relationship which seemed "Is that all there is?" But then how many were as lucky to experience something that rare? Do I really need to search for any meaning? I already know about spirituality. I've been there! I know it exists, whatever force it is. So I know nothing is meaningless however it is made to be. But even in that, it is something to step back in awe to wonder how it all came to be...